..My journey from complete chaos..
I was raised in complete chaos.
My father was an alcoholic, and my mother was abusive. As a child I rationalized that if I was perfect, I could make it all stop.
I carried that mentality into adulthood and all it brought me was frustration, anger and isolation.
I never felt like I fit in. I shut myself off from the rest of the world so they couldn’t see who I really was. I was lonely and desperate to have true connections.
Because of the perfectionism I became a rule follower and did everything I thought I "should" do without ever considering what I wanted to do.
I became a people pleaser and hustled for any bit of self-worth I could get.
My self-worth came from what other people thought of me and when I couldn’t be perfect, I was devastated.
I took jobs that weren’t right for me because I thought that was all I deserved. I always had this nagging sensation to go into a field helping people, but my inner critic would always say to me that I wasn’t good enough.
I didn’t have my shit together, so who was I to think I could make a difference in someone’s life?!
I listened to that voice for many years until I had a life changing experience. It didn’t seem like a good thing at the time, but I now consider it my most valuable gift on my journey to becoming who I am today.
I had been working in a job that was making me miserable. I was failing completely. I worked 60 – 70 hours a week and my health was starting to suffer because of it.
Then my gift came along. In a period of three months, my mother passed away, I quit my job without knowing where I was going next and I fell down a flight of stairs injuring my shoulder so significantly that it took two surgeries and countless months of rehab to recover.
This gave me the incentive and space to really dig in and address what was holding me back from pursuing what I really wanted to do.
Finally, the time to choose the courage to stand in my own shoes
I began researching coaching programs and found the Institute for Professional Excellence in Coaching (iPEC) and began their intensive program to become a Certified Professional Coach. I remember going to my first class
and the instructor walked in with a brand new twenty-dollar bill in his hands and asked if any of us found it to be valuable.
We all said yes.
He then took that same twenty- dollar bill and proceeded to crumple it up and throw it on the floor. After that he stepped on it and ground it into the ground. He then asked if we found it to be valuable and worth something.
The room fell silent and tears started running down my cheeks.
I knew what he was getting at.
I was that twenty-dollar bill as it laid on the ground crumpled and smashed.
I realized that much of the crumpling and smashing was done at my own hand.
I had to take responsibility for my part, forgive myself and move on to fully embrace and enjoy my value.
I was playing it safe in life with one foot in and the other safely tucked away in my closet. It was then that I began to believe that I could coach.
I poured my heart into it and jumped in with both feet. I chose “courage over comfort”, as Brené Brown would say, and began my journey to become a coach. I wasn’t going to play it safe ever again.
I continue to discover new things every day. I am and will always be working on myself. I strive each day to be a better version of the person I was yesterday.
I fall down. I no longer stay down. I get back up. I’m a recovering perfectionist, work against the effects of shame in my life on the regular.
And I choose the courage to Stand in my own shoes, all in!!!